CompliancEX’s Thanksgiving Thank You Notes 2012

It’s hard to believe, but Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

It’s a great time of year to look back and count our blessings. Here at CompliancEX, we are very thankful for a number of people who made 2012 a phenomenal year for compliance professionals. Though these individuals may not have realized it, this year they each did their part in making life better for compliance officers.

We’d like to take a moment to thank them, so here goes.

Meanwhile, Happy Thanksgiving to all of our readers!

Thank you, Elizabeth Warren, for being so rabidly anti-Wall Street. Your election to the Senate means that more regulations are sure to come. Although you look like a middle school librarian you scare the s**t out of the financial community.

Thank you, Barack Obama, for winning reelection, even though you had us holding our breath for a little while. You’ve promised to continue cracking down on corporate misbehavior, and for that we are grateful. Four more years of Barack means four more years of jobs for compliance professionals.

Thank you, Mitt Romney, for all your fumbling and bumbling comments that prevented you from getting elected despite heavy dissatisfaction with the incumbent. See: 47%, Binder full of women

Thank you, Paul Ryan, for having these ridiculous vanity photos taken of yourself lifting weights, thereby alienating yourself from average, less-jacked voters, and keeping the Romney-Ryan dream team out of office.

Thank you, Bob Diamond, for presiding over one of 2012’s biggest scandals, Libor rate-rigging. Even though you were shown the door in July 2012, you still helped to make 2012 a great year for Compliance professionals.

Thank you, Barney Frank for Dodd-Frank and all the new jobs you have created for compliance, legal, risk, audit professionals. We will never forget all the cute and curmudgeonly pictures of you that make us smile.

Thank you LIBOR traders. The world still doesn’t understand what you did, but they know it was bad and that we should hire more compliance people.

Nobody knows the losses I've seen.Feelings = hurt.

Thank you, Jamie Dimon, for totally ignoring the huge, whale-sized position that one of your London traders (aka Voldemort) amassed before causing JPMorgan a multi-billion loss.

Thank you, JP Morgan London Whale Guy for discrediting Jamie Dimon’s anti-regulatory rhetoric and showing the world that even the great Jamie Dimon, the so-called best risk manager, can be harpooned.

Thank you, UBS rogue trader. You showed that without robust compliance/supervisory controls and with executives looking the other way, a young kid can lose $2 billion without anyone noticing.

Thank you HSBC anti-money laundering scandals. Hundreds of AML people have full employment.

Thank you Greg Smith, for heaping the hate on your former employer, Goldman Sachs, and convincing the general public that big banks really don’t care about them at all. You also gave us the opportunity to post a lot of funny Muppet pictures on the blog. Thanks man!

Thank you, Jon Corzine, for losing track of $2 billion of customer money. If your sad tale doesn’t prove that the futures industry needs heavier regulations, then the PFGBest scandal does.

Russell Wasendorf, PFGBest

Thank you, PFGBest, for losing $200 million from customer accounts, thereby proving without a doubt that the futures industry needs more regulation.

I'm sorry, okay? Now just leave me alone already.

Thank you, Nasdaq, for totally botching the Facebook IPO. With your “technical glitches,” you cost investors millions of dollars and increased scrutiny of electronic stock exchanges.

You talk as though you're not BSing me right now.

Thank you Mary Schapiro and the SEC for your funny porn scandals, gun-carrying examiner scandals, overspending scandals, and–this just in–alleged sexual misconduct. You gave us a lot to write about this year.

Want a daily digest of articles like this one, plus the latest compliance jobs at top-tier organizations? Join 65,000 other compliance, risk governance, and regulatory professionals and subscribe to our free afternoon newsletter. Where do you find news, style, and career all in one place? The Executive Gateway, our new lifestyle magazine.

Jack Kelly is CEO of Compliance Search Group and publisher of the CompliancEX blog and newsletter. Beth Connolly is Editor-in-Chief of the Wall Street Job Report and the Compliance Exchange. She blogs creatively at When Nutmeg Met Basil. Connect with her on LinkedIn , Twitter, and About.Me.

One Response
  1. November 21, 2012

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this:
A DAILY ROUNDUP OF THE MOST FASCINATING WALL ST, COMPLIANCE AND REGULATORY NEWS.